07 February 2008

Independent Kitten

Since y'all are too stupid in the Republican party to nominate me for president, I have decided to run as an independent. God wants me to save America in these last days and I'll do whatever it takes to do so.

06 February 2008

Utah Likes Me, They Really Like Me!

Did you know Utah has more cats per capita than any other state in the nation? Neither did I until they all voted for me last night. I got 88% of the vote in Utah! They like me, they really, really like me.

03 February 2008

Don't Count Maine Out!

I won the Maine Republican Caucus on Saturday. I think this officially makes me the frontrunner. If I win all the small states, I can still beat that old coot. Get lost McCain.

31 January 2008

Big Endorsement

Who cares that John McCain was endorsed by some tired old gym queen (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Today, I just received a huge endorsement from Socks the cat, the political mastermind behind Bill's first presidential campaign. Talk about uniting America!

30 January 2008

Bonzo for Mittens

Tonight in the presidential debate, the candidates were asked if Ronald Reagan would endorse us for president and if so, why. If Reagan were alive today, he would endorse me for president because I, like Reagan, love chimpanzees.

16 January 2008

I Won in Two States, Bitches!

Those mainstream media whores keep saying I've only won one state, Michigan, so far. Don't forget, I also won Wyoming, bitches. I know, there are only 3 people and 4 cats in the whole state of Wyoming, but all the cats voted for me.

22 September 2007

My Gay Sons

The rumors that two of my sons are gay simply aren't true. They're just a little queer. Just because they like to lick each other's bums doesn't make them gay, that's how cats keep clean.

13 July 2007

What Plug!??

Despite rumors to the contrary, I do not use a butt plug nor wear magic underwear. I don't wear any underwear. Do you see any underwear on me? I'm a cat, for goodness' sake! Underwear makes it extremely difficult for me to use the litter box. Sure some people say, "Where there's smoke, there's fire, like when Richard Gere was sticking gerbils up his rectum," but I assure you that just because there are rumors about my private parts, there is no fire there.

12 July 2007

A Vote for Satan?


In Florida, televangelist Bill Keller told his 2.4 million e-mail subscribers: "If you vote for Mittens Romney, you are voting for Satan!" Whether or not that's true, I ask you, would a vote for Satan be such a bad thing? Hey, if Satan were in charge, we'd have some good parties and fun times. Vote for me! Kittens know how to have fun. Let the good times roll.

28 June 2007

Dogs on Top...

I've been taking a lot of crap today for strapping my dog Seamus to the roof of my car for a 12-hour trip to Canada and Seamus taking a crap all over the roof of my car. Come on, people! It was a dog. It's not like I did it to a cat.

24 June 2007

Credibility in Early Primary States

Well, well... the polls are out in Iowa and New Hampshire and it looks like all my money has paid off. I'm ahead in the polls in those two states because I've spent a boatload of money (and free cat food) there over the past several months. It just goes to show you that any election can be bought... but I'm a billionaire so I don't care how much it costs. Hurrah for me!

20 June 2007

Love Me, Love Me...

Hey so, we just picked our campaign theme song! It was a hard decision, but it was pretty obvious what song we should use, especially after everyone voted in our song poll and wrote in to tell me how much they love me.

The song we've chosen is "Love Fool" by the Cardigans. You know how it goes, "Love me, love me. Say that you love me."

CLICK HERE to hear the Mittens theme song.

Isn't that purrfect!?

19 June 2007

Everybody Loves a Hypocrite

McCat and some of my other challengers have called me a hypocrite on immigration simply because my father was born in Mexico. But it's not like he was some dirty wetback. His parents were from England so he wasn't really Mexican. So, that makes it okay, right? And he may have illegally come to America, but that was a long time ago. I'm not sure there were even immigration laws back then so it probably wasn't even illegal. Just don't get me started about polygamy and the reason he was born in Mexico, okay?

16 June 2007

My Big Stick...


President Theodore Roosevelt said the United States should "Speak softly and carry a big stick," in its foreign relations.

I want to carry the big stick. I hope I don't have to use it, but I want to make sure we have it so that people understand we are a nation of strength.

I want to boost the size of the military by at least 100,000 Siamese cat troops. Those Siamese are FIERCE!

15 June 2007

Scooter...

I was asked recently whether I thought I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby should receive a presidential pardon.  First of all, I think any grown man who goes by "Scooter" is just precious.  I might pardon him just for that if I'm lucky enough to be president.  The abuse of prosecutorial discretion in this case warrants a very careful look.  We all know he was just doing what Cheney told him to do.  And we should all do whatever Dick tells us to do, folks.  Defending Scooter Libby is a great way to attract votes from right wing Republicans so I'll do all I can to get those votes.

04 June 2007

A Cat Shall Lead Them...

There is a certain prophecy that in the "Last Days" a cat will be elected president, riding in on a white horse to save the Constitution which is hanging by a thread. I am that cat.

30 May 2007

If a chimp can do it, a kitten can do it better...

At a diner in New Hampshire yesterday, a voter told me he would never vote for a kitten for president. I don't see what the big deal is. America already voted for a chimpanzee. Later it turned out the voter in NH was just a liberal political operative who was planning to vote for Billary anyway.

29 May 2007

Salary...

Salary unnecessary. When you elect me president, I will donate all of my salary to the Society for Unwanted Cute Kittens as I don't require much more than a few pieces of fish and a litter box to keep me happy. That and I already have more money than God.

24 May 2007

Same-Sex Marriage...

I oppose discrimination against gay people. I am not anti-gay. I know there are some Republicans, or some people in the country who are looking for someone who is anti-gay and that’s not me. Some of the best cat food I've had was served to me by the gays.
I do not approve of same-sex marriage, however. Since cats cannot marry, I don't approve of marriage for anyone, though... gay, straight, or canine (those dogs will hump anything).

I can't believe...

I can't believe ABC News was so reckless as to report that the CIA has clandestine operations going on in Iran. Reporting on secret operations is very dangerous. It puts our national security at risk and endangers the lives of our secret Persian cat operatives in Iran (or as I prefer to call it, Persia). I am shocked.

22 May 2007

I believe...

"I believe the American people are the source of our cat food. They always have been.
They always will be." — Mittens Romney

15 May 2007

Meow...

I'll meow anything to get elected. Just like that Los Lobos song "La Pinata" I'll move a little to the left and then a little to the right... (or a lot) to get elected.

06 April 2007

Lifelong Hunter...

I have always been a lifelong hunter. However, I’ve always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will.